Some time ago, Sid entered the band into a competition to win ‘a recording and management contract with up to £20,000 investment to release a single with Future Music’ with www.liveandunsigned.uk.com. We didn’t think much about it at the time, but as it was a long way in the future we thought, “Yeah, whatever.” Well, suddenly the day is upon us, and the embarrassing and slightly distasteful prospect of an X-Factor style audition for the first round of the competition looms large.
Marion and I arrive at Princes Hall, Aldershot at 9.30am to find Ben sitting in the waiting room, looking mighty uncomfortable among the prospective girl bands, skinny-trousered indie kids, bum-fluff-bearded teen metallers and earnest looking singer-songwriters. What ARE we doing here? The others arrive shortly after, and we make light of the situation and get what enjoyment we can out of quietly taking the piss out of the other hopefuls. What they think of us is anybody’s guess.
We’ve been told that we’ll get a grand total of two minutes in front of the panel of judges, so we’ve prepared a shortened version of ‘Sensitive But A Bit Of A ’Rong ’Un’. We’re called in, get asked a few questions about how many gigs we’re doing and stuff, then launch into our tune. The levels are all over the place, understandably with no sound check, and we’re just finding our feet by the time our two minutes are up and we’re unceremoniously instructed to cease and desist. It’s a fairly unpleasant and vaguely humiliating experience, but we duly tug our proverbial forelocks, say thank you to the nice judges and exit. At least it’s over. Now all we have to do is wait for 20 minutes or so to be told if we’re through to the second round. We’re not overly hopeful. If they’re looking for the next McFly or Girls Aloud then we’re unlikely to be the first choice. But wait! We’re called over and, blow me, we’re through to the next round. Result!
So, feeling quite pleased with ourselves we return to our seats to read through the details and fill out the entry form for the next round. It turns out this will comprise a live performance by all the acts who’ve got through, in front of a paying audience. Sounds good so far. The tickets are £6 each and each act is expected to sell at least 25 tickets. OK, that’s do-able – we’re sure we could rustle up enough heads who’d want to see us run through our set and would lend their support. But wait a minute, there seems to be a bit of a catch. It says ’ere, each act only gets to perform for a total of three minutes! And to add insult to injury, half of that has to be cover version!! As the great philosopher Amy Winehouse once said, what kind of f*ckery is this? Suddenly, the scales fall from our eyes. It’s now plain that this is nothing but a money-making exercise by the organisers. Imagine how many hopefuls they could get into a concert lasting a few hours, each lasting three minutes and selling 25 x £6 tickets. Then multiply this by the number of other locations where they’re also running the competition and you can hear the cash registers ringing loud and clear, and the dollar signs flashing in their beady little eyes. What a shower! We decide it’s time to withdraw gracefully. Kat finds the man in charge, hands back the application and informs him that we’ve read through the small print and decided that this is ‘not for us’. Apparently he looks at her as if he’s just been slapped. I’d like to think that maybe she did slap him, but just didn’t want to tell us.
Following this mildly traumatic experience, we head back to Kat’s, where she kindly rustles up a tasty brunch of bacon butties (or cider, in Sid’s case). We contemplate the morning’s events and prepare for our next mission. This is going to be altogether more fun – a radio session and interview for Brooklands FM, a small Internet radio station based in Addlestone.
The station is in a couple of rooms above the ‘Cosmic’ electrical shop. We pass the next hour and a half pleasantly, indulging in witty/inane (delete as applicable) banter with our genial host, David Durant. We knock out three songs, live and acoustic, get to play a few records of our own choosing, and also a couple by two of our favourite local artistes, Julia K and Aimée. Both are listening and email in their appreciation, which is nice. After the show we retire to a local hostelry for some light refreshment. It’s been a helluva day, that’s for sure, and we think we’ve earned a pint.
Oh, and Mr. Ian Sadler, if you’re reading this, we’re still not wearing any pants.
Neil
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